The Top Ten Tips for Negotiating a Healthy Open Relationship

For some couples, sharing their partner with another is simply out of the question. But for many same-sex couples, negotiating an open relationship is not only their reality, but has helped keep their relationship healthy and thriving. Whether you prefer monogamy or an open relationship, each has its own challenges and advantages. The most important thing is to make sure that the needs of both partners are met in an honest, open, and healthy way.

Many same-sex couples make agreements to permit sex with outside partners. How and when the negotiation process begins is a highly organic process influenced by a wide range of issues, including the age of the individuals in the relationship, how long they have been together, experiences in prior relationships, and individual levels of comfort when talking about sensitive issues, such as sex.

A group of leading sexperts helped answer the question, "Is it possible for me and my partner to have a healthy open relationship?" The answer, they say, is "yes."

OPEN COMMUNICATION: In any relationship, open or closed, it is always important to communicate openly with one another. According to Dr. Colleen C. Hoff, co-author of a 2008 study about sexual agreements among gay male couples, "Couples need to have on-going conversations about their agreements to be open. Needs change over time, the relationship changes over time, life circumstances change over time, health status changes, so it is really important to check in with each other regularly to make sure the agreement is still clear, desired, and adhered to."

BALANCE: Because open relationships are less commonly talked about in mainstream American culture, there is less social support for them. "This doesn't mean that open relationships can't make it over the long term, but it does mean that it can be helpful to identify friends or family who will support you and the choices you make that help you to feel whole, healthy, happy, and satisfied," said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute. We all need someone to talk to; experts agree that finding a good balance of people who are supportive of the agreement between you and your partner is paramount.

CONFIDENCE: Self-confidence and a healthy self-esteem are ingredients that both partners must possess to sustain a long-term healthy relationship. "Jealousy might be unavoidable and is poisonous if left neglected," said Dr. Jallen Rix, a leading gay sex expert. "The antidote is trust, love, communication, and confidence." After all, self-love is the greatest love of all.

BE YOURSELF: If you are agreeing to an open relationship but feel that is not who you are and what you really want, then things are doomed from the start. But if you know who you are and believe that what you want is to have an open relationship, then you may find that it is the way to have your cake and eat it, too. "Every relationship is monogamous about some things," said Dr. Jallen Rix. "What are those things?" Remember he/she fell in love with you for a reason, so there is no cause to run out and change who you are just because you have entered into an open relationship.

FUN: People simply stop doing something if it is no fun; relationships are no different in this regard. Having fun together (in and out of the sheets) is a must when sustaining a relationship, especially an open one. Dr. Michelle Gannon, psychologist and relationship expert, said, "In the beginning of a relationship, you likely had many opportunities to fully enjoy each other's company. I suggest you recreate those possibilities - no matter how long you have been together. Maybe you will find that it is time to try some new adventures together." Keep it fun and you will keep it going.

COMPASSION: It is important to always show compassion for the one we love. Make yourself available when they need to talk about life issues - such as work or family - that they might be going through. "The more people involved, the more complicated it can get," said Dr. Jallen Rix. If you are not "involved" with your partner's life on an emotional level, things might go from good to bad rather quickly when trust is called into question. "Trust is the foundation for any relationship," said Dr. Rix. "If you can't trust your partner to be honest with what he says or how he behaves, then you are in love and trusting what you think he is...and that often means you are in love with a fantasy, not the actual person."

SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION: We all need to feel love from our partner. To avoid a relationship cool-down, remember to give your partner love and affection. "Are you each able to see the beautiful essence with each other, rather than just the faults? Do you enjoy sharing affection?" asks Dr. Margaret Paul, a physiologist and relationship expert. "Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship."

CONFLICT RESOLUTION: None of us is perfect and problems will arise; when they do it is important to talk about them with your partner. Relationship expert Dr. Patty Ann said that after you acknowledge that a conflict exits, you then have to set about dismantling it. "You have the ability to make a conscious choice that whatever you and your partner are in conflict about is not more important to you than proving yourself to be 'right' to your partner," she said. "Do not dig your heels in and refuse to be reasoned with regarding the conflict at hand." Dr. Ann says that happy couples who are facing conflict on any given topic understand that whatever issue they are disagreeing about is not more important than the relationship.

RULES: This is a big one, say experts. Adam Clark and Tony Dines, who operate the blog Gay Life Coach and have been in an open relationship for a number of years, said, "As long as both partners enter into the relationship knowing it is going to be open and are well grounded with each other first, and it is an adjunct to their own relationship and is done with full disclosure, then it can bring the two partners closer together, for as long as they are committed to those ground rules." As long as you both follow the rules that have been set forth and agreed upon by both parties, Adam and Tony say an open relationship could, "provide more excitement and allow more of your sexual needs to be met."

SIMILAR VALUES: While in some cases it may be true that opposites attract, experts say that this is not always the case when it comes to the values each of you possesses. In other words, if you are an honest person then you should most certainly expect your partner to be honest. A common concern among men in open relationships is the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. "Unsafe sex outside the relationship can put both partners at risk - not just for HIV, but for all sorts of other things," says John R. Ballew, a licensed professional counselor. "The increase and frequency of STDs in the gay community makes this a concern, regardless of whether both partners are negative, both positive, or one positive and the other negative. If your partner has to pay a price for the pleasure you experienced with someone else, he's likely to be devastated."