Columnists :: Mark Malish
Malicious Content :: November 16by Mark MalishMonday Nov 16, 2009 Jack Ruby’s family had the gray Fedora hat Mr. Ruby wore when he shot Lee Harvey Oswald sold at an auction for $53,775. In similar news, singer Rihanna auctioned the Burberry hat she wore when her boyfriend, Chris Brown, beat her up. She reasoned: "I’m like Jack Ruby in that I too know how to retaliate--after a certain someone got a shot in the head."
Susan Boyle is headed to "Dancing with the Stars," but she won’t have to bust any new moves because she’s only singing-and co-starring in a movie. Host Tom Bergeron and judge Len Goodman will be filmed watching Ms. Boyle and contestant Kelly Osborne for a documentary called, "The Men Who Stare At Goats."
To coincide with Sesame Street’s 40th Anniversary, Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, has announced he has a honeymoon sex tape of he, J-Lo and--Sesame Street’s Oscar the Grouch. When asked why J-Lo wanted a ménage a trois with a character who lives in a garbage can. Mr. Noa explained, "J-Lo said I can relate to Oscar on my honeymoon. Oscar is always in a huge can and in the tape, I was always in J-Lo’s huge can."
The lady who got her face mauled by a 200lb. chimpanzee recently made an appearance on "Oprah"-only to be kicked off the show by Oprah. Oprah told her, "Look, Rihanna. Chris Brown may have mauled your face, but for you to call him a 200 lb. chimp is racist! Now get off of my show NOW-but come back if you bring that gorilla named Chris with you."
An unknown white powder was found in envelopes delivered to the New York City UN missions of Austria, France and Uzbekistan. The powder caused a panic in the French mission---which ended when officials assured the French employees that the white powder was not a foreign substance known to them as "deodorant."
Chris Brown is marketing a social network website called, "Hitter." This site asks the question, "Who are you hitting now?’" Members then respond with their partner’s name--in 140 characters or less. Unfortunately, the site crashed like Rihanna in a car when Mr. Brown, Michael Lohan, Bobby Brown and Harry Morgan all at once and answered the "Who are you hitting now?" question with different names at different times.
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 Malicious Content :: February 1
By Mark Malish | Monday Feb 1, 2010
Singing sensation Susan Boyle said she felt fine after she found a youth intruding into her home in Scotland. Her dad noted, "Unfortunately, this wanker wasn’t scared off
Malicious Content :: January 24
By Mark Malish | Monday Jan 25, 2010
Cindy McCain, the wife of 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain, has posed for an ad endorsing pro-gay marriage forces in California. She noted, "Seems to me that gays have the same constitutional right as the rest of us to be married and miserable. Besides, my husband John is sooooo gay. He spent years as a POW in a room the size of a closet-and he’s been out of the closet for years!"
Malicious Content :: January 17
By Mark Malish | Thursday Jan 21, 2010
Hanes Underwear has dropped Charlie Sheen from its underwear ad campaign. Fortunately, "Haines Nigeria," an "offspring underwear" company in Nigeria that makes special underwear "fit to to hold more than one explosive package," hired Mr. Sheen for an ad campaign--only to fire him. A spokesman noted, "Unfortunately, we found that the only thing explosive about Mr. Sheen is his temper-and that his package is a dud." Mr. Sheen then angrily fired off e-mails to his Nigerian employer-which read: "Mr. Hanes has won a lottery and has millions waiting for him if he’ll only send Mr. Sheen his social security number and bank account information."
Malicious Content :: January 10
By Mark Malish | Monday Jan 11, 2010
After hearing that "comedienne" Kathy Griffin was fired from CNN for dropping the f-bomb on this year’s New Year’s Eve show, Rosie O’Donnell pitched herself for the job-only to be told that she didn’t have the experience. A CNN spokesman explained, "Unfortunately, Rosie can’t report on a ball dropping at midnight because she’s never seen any kind of ball drop at midnight-or mid-day-or mid-morning-or mid-afternoon...."
Malicious Content :: January 4
By Mark Malish | Monday Jan 4, 2010
Taking a cue from Turn It In.com, a website that tells teachers if their students have plagiarized their work from other sources, a new website has popped up called Turn_It_On.com. This website tells if someone has plagiarized their sex messages ("sexting") from others. The first cheater caught was Tiger Woods-who was caught by his wife plagiarizing from himself.
Malicious Content :: December 28
By Mark Malish | Monday Dec 28, 2009
PETA announced that they are opening animal sanctuaries in Florida for "exotic animals whose owners didn’t want them anymore." This includes a Tiger Sanctuary-in Florida. This sanctuary has a rare, exotic golf playing Asian-African Tiger worth millions; who has a voracious appetite only for white meat. A PETA spokesman noted, "This animal once had a taste for white meat imported from Sweden, only to find he didn’t appreciate its aged flavor."
Malicious Content :: December 21
By Mark Malish | Monday Dec 21, 2009
Michael Lang, the promoter of the infaamous "Woodstock" concerts, now is joining forces with Tiger Woods and promoting "Woods’-cock." Like the first Woodstock, Lang said "Woods’-cock is a festival of love where white women wait in line, get wet and leave with themselves--and Mr. Woods-covered in slung mud."
Malicious Content :: December 14
By Mark Malish | Monday Dec 14, 2009
Meredith Baxter Birney, star of "Bridget Loves Bernie" has come out as a lesbian-to coincide with her gay TV show coming out on the LOGO channel called, "Bridget Loves Bernice." When asked why she came out now, Meredith commented, "Honey, an old actress only comes out when her job market gets as dry as her vagina."
Malicious Content :: December 7
By Mark Malish | Monday Dec 7, 2009
Hot off the success of her number one hit recording, "I Dreamed A Dream," Susan Boyle’s record company, Columbia, announced that they have paired her with Amy Winehouse to record a Christmas album called, "Amy and Susan Sing!" Unfortunately, a Columbia spokesman said their first Christmas single, "Jingle Bells," was shelved because, "I just learned that two other bitches did a recording of that song. The public won’t take two more dogs barking ’Jingle Bells."
Malicious Content :: November 23
By Mark Malish | Monday Nov 23, 2009
Current gay and ex-New Jersey governor James McGreevy is training to become an Episcopal priest at a church in Hoboken, NJ. To raise money for the church, McGreevey will star in an autobiographical musical called, "Where the Altar Boys Are." He noted, "If I sing and act okay, I’ll then be in ’Jersey Boys’-hopefully, hundreds of them."
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