25 and Counting

There's been this 'note' zooming around facebook lately, called '25 Random Things'. One is supposed to jot down 2 dozen random-ish facts about oneself and then share it with 25 friends, inviting them into the circle to do the same. It's kind of like a chain letter with narcissistic overtones, the true essence of 'TMI'. A literally circle-jerk, all by oneself! So to purge my system, and my hard drive, of this persistent internet nuisance, I herewith share 25 Random things about myself, most of them true. The dirty ones.

1) I once cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had one testicle.

2) My body type is the very rare ecto-mesomorph, aka 'scrawny but fat', or 'bony pig'.

3) I have tried every drug except Jesus.

4) If I could have dinner with any 2 people, living or dead, I'd choose no one- more food for me!

5) # 4 is a fucking lie. I'd pick Joan Crawford and Rick "Humongous" Donovan.

6) I believe that the gay community has a secret, an unspoken issue with eating disorders. The secret is- bulimia really works!

7) Places I've never been but would like to go to: Australia, Galapagos, me.

8) Am realizing just how goddamn long a list of 25 things is.

9) I just have no sex drive anymore. If someone waved a juicy 11 inch cock in my face, sure I'd deep throat it, but just to be polite

10) Am doing my part to conserve energy by being single. Having to be interested in somebody else takes too much damn energy!

11) I once went all the way out to Long Island for a hook up. After we had sex, he said, "it's getting pretty late, but you can sleep in my car". I learned something that night; Toyota Camrys are surprisingly roomy.

12) Like Whitney, I believe the children are the future. An apocalyptic, nightmarish future.

13) I once had sex with a dog groomer. When I fell asleep, he gave me a poodle cut. I awoke with three perfectly rounded balls of pubic hair. Amazingly, after that I could lick my own balls.

14) I've considered giving myself liposuction with lidocaine and a crazy straw.

15) I know what you did last summer. My ass is till sore, thank you very much.

16) In homage to 'Hot Nude Yoga' I am going to start a group called 'Fat Nude Yoga' or perhaps 'Hot Nude Yoda'.

17) I've taken a deep breath, and am just accepting the fact that I am 28 years old. Can't stay young forever!

18) I occasionally go back and read my journals from years past and you know what? I'm a big whiny bitch.

19) Sometimes, when leaving a trick's place, they will ask me, "Do you have everything you came with?" And my reply is always, "Everything but my dignity!"

20) Did you know it can be really fun to pop a Vicodin, throw on some classic Paradise Garage music and give runway in one's apartment? Alone on a Friday night?

21) # 20 means I really need to get out more.

22) I have brought my gardenia plant into bloom in the dead of winter, so fuck you Mother Nature, you granola eating hippie bitch.

23) I once had a stalker who sent me a videotape of himself doing a bad Robert DeNiro impression, waving a handgun, and then masturbated while saying my name. REALLY. Also, someone that I've tagged later had sex with him- REALLY- and you know who you girl, I won't shame you by calling out your name.

24) If you are still reading this far, you are a sad, sad, sad creature.

25) I'm done! And yet I've accomplished nothing!!!