Sex, Allies, and Videotape

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A priest, a rabbi, a gay man, and Donna Summers all walk into a bar. The priest orders a gin and tonic, the rabbi orders a vodka on the rocks, the gay man orders a lemon drop and Donna Summers orders a manhattan. The bartender asks the four how they intend on paying. The priest pays with several one dollar bills, the rabbi pays with his American Express, the gay man comments that his lack of allies in the political hemisphere have alienated himself from other minorities also struggling for societal acceptance, and Donna Summers replies that while she has no cash, she'll work hard for the money.

I have to be honest - I didn't understand that joke when Bruce Vilanch first told it to me, and I still don't understand it today.

If the Iraq War has taught us anything (aside from the fact that one can use imaginary yellowcake as justification for war), it's that it's quite difficult to take on large projects alone. Take for example, cutting down a tree with a giant saw. Or riding a bicycle-built-for-two. Or participating in mutual masturbation. Or folding a really large beach towel. Or preventing the Sunni and Shi'a factions from splitting Baghdad into sectarian enclaves. I can't imagine taking on such a project by oneself.

I mean, folding a really large beach towel, alone?

Despite the very real human desire for people to need people, too often many in the gay community end up doing just that - alienating allies and solely attempting to take on incredibly large projects such as, oh I don't know, the Gay Rights Movement. Some gay men and women have a particular tendency to forget that people exist outside of gay people, that community exists outside of the gay community, and that .com exists outside of gay.com. True, many of our straight counterparts may not understand why "Dolly" always follows "Well hello," why "Argentina" always follows "Don't cry for me," or why "Yes" always follows "Care to have anonymous sex?" Despite a lack by many in the straight community to foster an interest in showtunes or an unfettered sexual proclivity - does that automatically lead us to assume the straight community isn't worth an investment of our time?

In addition to excluding straight men and women from the Big Gay Picnic we call life, how often do our gay politics associate with the politics of other minority groups? Other potential allies whom we have a tendency of shunning also happen to be other minority groups - whether they be non-white, non-men, non-christian or non-living-in-a-house. Most of already agree to protecting the environment, fighting for women's rights, aiding the homeless, getting out of Iraq, and protecting children from predators - why not embrace these various ideologies and combine our resources in a national movement for equal rights for all? While it is easy to become consumed with only the rights of gay men and women, wouldn't it be more efficient to work with other groups as well? It seems to me that with NOW forming the left arm, PETA forming the right arm, the NAACP forming the left leg and GLADD forming the right leg, all that remains for us to join together and become a formidable foe against civil rights abuses worldwide is a hearty "Mega thrusters are go!"

We may however wish to replace PETA with a different organization, like the AARP. I can't imagine that Voltron would choose to have its right arm formed by an organization which employ Pamela Anderson as its spokesperson.

Do some of us truly believe that it is not necessary to branch out to other communities? Communities exist because of the integrations of different ideas - not for lack of them. Where would the human race be without its allies? Would there be a France without an England? Would Lewis have been as successful without Clark? Is anything more dismal than a Proctor without a Gamble? How would there be a Boyz without a II Men? Can Will exist without Grace? Is anything more iconic than Pfizer and Pharmacia Corporation? Does it even make sense to have a Rob Schneider without Poor Career Choices?

Consider the fact that if within the U.S. population, Asian men and women make up approximately 4%, gay men and women make up approximately 10%, non-Christian men and women make up approximately 11%, African American men and women make up approximately 12%, Hispanic men and women make up approximately 15%, elderly men and women make up approximately 21%, children men and women make up approximately 25%, and Paula Abdul makes up approximately 63% (according to her), then perhaps if may be in our best interest to align ourselves with other groups that find themselves in the minority. The awkward kid in school becomes friends with students much more popular than himself and thus flourishes due to his symbiotic friendship - did we not learn anything from growing up gay in high school?

Gay men and women should always continue to fight for gay rights. All the same, it would also be advantageous to become friends with straight men and women, and invest time and money in the causes of other minority groups. The gay community needs its allies, and while our combined powers may not necessarily make us Captain Planet, it will at the very least make us stronger. Supporting our allies does not dilute our personal fight for gay rights; on the contrary, it makes our fight more potent. After all, what good is it fighting a battle if one does it alone? What good is it talking out loud if there is no one to listen? What good is having a dumb joke if you can't share it with others?

Just ask Bruce Vilanch.