Real Men Love Jesus, Corn-Holing, and Turkish Oil Wrestling

Just the other day, I saw a bunch of young men in my next-door neighbor's front yard, drinking beers and corn-holing in broad daylight, in front of God and everybody.

Here in Ohio, "corn-hole" is a game. It is played by tossing bean bags filled with seed corn into a hole on a wooden platform.

To those of us with minds that swim laps in the gutter, "corn-hole" carries sexual connotations. But there is nothing sexual about the beanbag-toss with the same name.

Turkish oil wrestling (yagli guresh or "grease wrestling") is another matter. Officially, it is totally macho, totally Straight, and not at all homoerotic.

The national sport of Turkey, Turkish oil wrestling is practiced by men who strip down to a kispet, black leather britches that go from waist to knee. The name of the wrestler is written in metal studs on his butt. The men grapple in a field of green grass.

The competition is steeped in ritual. There is a band that plays traditional music favored by the brave Janissary warriors from the proud Turkish past. Opponents will walk together, hands joined, to show their good intentions toward each other. They will also move together in the peshrev, an exercise/dance with martial and spiritual significance.

The contestants rub olive oil mixed with water all over themselves in a ritually prescribed manner. After applying it to themselves, they put it on each other's backs.

So far, so Straight, kind of. But the matches quickly queer out as the wrestlers reach deep inside each other's pants as they get a grip on each other. Hands slide everywhere---crotch, ass, no area is sacred.

And, if you've ever seen any of the photos, it is HOT. But is it Gay?

At this point, "Gay" or "not-Gay" may not be adequate terms in describing Turkish oil wrestling or countless other seemingly homoerotic pastimes, rituals, literature, and celebrities. I propose a more advanced classification system.

Corn-hole: Something that looks homoerotic, but is not.
Faggalicious: Something that pretends to be Straight, but is pretty queer.
Gay: Gay.

Here are some examples.

Rosie the Riveter: CORN-HOLE!

"Real Men Love Jesus" T-shirts worn by the Promise Keepers, a Christian Men's organization: CORN-HOLE!

Tony Blair and Condoleezza Rice: CORN-HOLES! (I think)
Pope Benedict in her red Prada shoes: CORN-HOLY!

The 1936 horror movie, Dracula's Daughter, especially the scene where the vampiress seduces/bites a beautiful woman: FAGGALICIOUS!

International Male: FAGGALICIOUS!

Snagglepuss and Chip 'n' Dale: Heavens to Murgatroid! FAGGALICIOUS!

Back to Turkish oil wrestling. It is so sizzling hot that the growing Gay men's scene in Turkey wants a piece of the action. A group called the Turkish Bears wants to attend the matches as fans. A famous drag queen from Istanbul wants to be a financial sponsor.

This has caused serious queer panic amongst the traditionalists. Heaven forbid anyone would imply that the honorable sport was homoerotic!

After viewing some photos of the sport, one realizes that these men touch (grab, actually) each other's gentialia and butts on a regular basis. Rules dictate that they cannot hurt the opponent by crushing his testicles or some such cruelty, so all contact must be gentle. Fingers up the rectum are likewise forbidden.

I sympathize somewhat with the homophobic traditionalists. The sport is not Gay. On the other hand, Turkish oil wrestling is not at all like corn-holing.

Turkish oil wrestling: FAGGALICIOUS!

Turkish oil wrestling was the favorite sport of the Janissaries, the warriors whose music is played at the matches. The Janissaries were also famous for their man-to-man love affairs, including one incident in which jealousy over a handsome young bathhouse man-slave incited a violent feud between two factions.

There are some aspects of Turkish oil wrestling, however, that would mistakenly lead one to believe that it was Triple-G Gay, such as the custom of the "red-bottom candle" that is lit in taverns to alert people of an upcoming match. But I seriously doubt that the red-bottom candle represents some kind of a spanking fetish.

Red-bottom candle: CORN-HOLE!

It is not uncommon for wrestlers to hold hands, both ritually before matches and informally afterwards. Weary from the grueling rounds of intense grappling, they will lay in the grass with each other, touching each other affectionately, sometimes sleeping and chatting with their bodies close together and even overlapping, head on thigh or belly, like exhausted puppies or Circuit boys and girls at an after-hours.

It is in these displays of affection that I actually feel that they bridge the gap between Gay and Straight. Both Gay and Straight men are most beautiful when they are gentle with each other, when they are not afraid to touch, to relax, to find comfort in physical proximity with each other. I would never imply that such behavior has to be sexual; that would cheapen it. If sex were a factor, it would be only one facet, and not at all the most important one.

Holding hands and cuddling together in the grass: CORN-HOLE in principle, but with plenty of GAY resonance (and, granted, some potential for FAGGALICIOUSNESS-let's be real)!

Nevertheless, Turkish homophobes need a wake-up call. When all is said and done, their sport is queer as a football bat, regardless of the sexual orientation of the participants, sponsors, or fans.

Rather than get all upset about the infatuation that Gay men have for the sport, Straight Turks must accept and even embrace the fact that their beloved pastime has a strong homoerotic charge, a forbidden kick that adds flavor to Turkey's national sport. Love between men, Straight or otherwise, has always been sexy, and genital/anal groping signifies the homoerotic whether that is the intent or not. Turkish Bears (who definitely consider themselves to be real men) and drag queens are the sport's natural allies, not its enemies.