Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills tight end, who arrived at a local hospital paralyzed from his neck down after making a tackle, showed signs of improvement when he wiggled his toes, elevated his legs and moved his ankles. His mother noted, "Senator Larry Craig barged in and blew my boy because when a man wiggles his toes, elevates his legs and moves his ankles in a small room, he said it am a signal for some suck-sex."
The job of making sure Britney Spears blood stays clean is going to Mike Rowe-host of Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs." Mike notes, "I've shoveled cow feces and been covered in cockroaches but nothing is harder than this Britney gig. Me and Britney just can't get rid of this leech named Federline."
A cache of photographs taken by Karl Hocker, the adjutant to the commandant of Auschwitz death camp, show laughing SS guards engaging in a sing along accompanied by an accordion. It appears that the guards were preparing a variety show for Hitler called, "The Anne Frank Roast." When Hitler gave thumbs down to the first half of the show, Mr. Hocker fired up the German writers-who were replaced by Jewish joke writers.
Hillary Clinton has announced that she is not a lesbian, citing, "As everyone know, the only place I go down is the polls."
Mime legend Marcel Marceau recently died-and just in time. It seems towards the end of his life, Marceau was going mental. He was planning on traveling to Jenna, Louisiana, shelving his white face paint for blackface, then putting his head in a hangman's noose as part of an act he called, "Hanging Against the Wind." At the last minute, Marceau stayed in France when Jesse Jackson demanded a cut of the mime's money and Rev. Al Sharpton wanted cash and credit for being a "String 'Em Up Supervisor." After he died, Marceau was placed in a coffin with a glass top and his hands positioned flat against it.
While in New York to speak to the UN, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to balance his country's budget and do what millions of Middle Easterners in New York do: drive a cab and annoy passengers for money. A LOT of money as Mr. Ahmadinejad became the new host of Discovery Channel's "Cash Cab." He asked questions to his passengers like, "C'mon. Do you really think the holocaust existed?," "How many homosexuals and women who show their ankles in public have I hung?" and "Why do Americans insist on using soap and deoderant? How dare they be clean in my presence!"
