A Season of Grief
When Bill Valentine and Joe Lopes met in 1980, neither expected their union to last as long as they both would live. A little more than 21 years later, their life together ended when Lopes, a steward for American Airlines, was one of the casualties of the November 12, 2001 crash of Flight 587, a mere two months and one day after the events of September 11.
Valentine’s memoir is a raw, straightforward account of his grief, anger, and shock. The book alternates between journal entries in which he records the hurdles, large and small, of settling Lopes’ estate (a practical, powerful, and yet understated case for fully equal access to marriage by same-sex couples, though this is not the book’s main thrust) and vents his complex array of emotions, and back-story in which Valentine fills out a history of his relationship with Lopes. They met in a bathhouse through a curious combination of events both comic and seemingly Providential; five days after their first date, they were in love. Over the next several years, Valentine struggled with early childhood traumas and membership in a political cult, while Lopes did his best to wait for him to sort himself out. They emerged a committed couple, their relationship weathered but strengthened by the challenges they endured early on.
The emotional terrain of the book is rocky and steep. Shortly after the fatal crash, Valentine writes, "…I get into trouble when I start thinking about always. Because right now all I can see is this dark, suffocating pain spreading out forever." The pain spreads out for a long time, and the journal covers the better part of a year, but Valentine’s anguish is mixed with flashes of humor and fondly retold anecdote: smooth and graceful Lopes, an impeccable dresser, spills wine all over Valentine, who of the two of them is more usually the klutz; Lopes carries on an animated conversation in the next room and Valentine assumes he’s on the phone with a gossipy friend - until he realizes that Lopes is addressing the cat; a weekend at the lake with nieces in tow brings out the little kid, never far from the surface, in Valentine’s life mate.
In contrast to the past and its soothing memories, the present holds many demands and many jolting reminders, none more poignant than a walk home. Writes Valentine, "…leaving a light on leads to this inevitable brief flicker of hope that he is there waiting for me." Still, each day’s crises - a crying jag during a gathering of family or friends, a health scare with the cat, the domestic bewilderment of how to wash whites - turn out, Valentine realizes, to be "human sized" and his one-day-at-a-time attitude eventually leads him through the worst of his pain and mourning.
Valentine’s season of grief is more than a personal account of loss and bereavement; it’s also a testimony to the undying and universal nature of love and life partnership. Elegiac and, finally, uplifting, this is the sort of book you read not to escape, but to explore the mysteries of human connection.
Publisher: Harrington Park Press. Publication Date: January 15, 2006. Pages: 207. Price: $14.95. Format: Trade Paperback Original. ISBN-13: 978-1-56023-573-6
