News :: GLBT
GLBT community sounds off on gay divorce by Scott Kearnan
EDGE ContributorMonday Jan 28, 2008Breaking up is hard to do.
Of course, while it’s never a pleasant experience when a marriage deteriorates, there are certain considerations that ease the pain for most couples.
For example, it’s usually possible to grieve for a lost relationship in privacy, far away from the prying eyes and gossiping lips of others. Unless you’re a former teen pop star on her third husband and eighth frappuccino, it’s doubtful anyone will be publicly commenting on your break-up or rubbing salt in the wounds of a broken heart by turning your failed marriage into a forum of speculation and debate.
But if you’re divorcing and gay, plan to fire up the printing press and put your dirty laundry under the microscope; the pundit paparazzo will be having a field day.
"There’s a sense of pressure and visibility," says Rich Domenico, LICSW [Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker], a Boston therapist specializing in issues of love, sex and intimacy. He has extensive experience working with gay couples, including those only a hair’s breadth from divorce and says that same-sex relationships face an unusual amount of scrutiny when they’re in the midst of falling apart.
"A lot of gay and lesbian couples feel a bigger sense of shame and failure [than heterosexuals]," says Domenico. Besides his own experience in working with couples, he points to the backlash that occurred when Julie and Hillary Goodridge--the gay couple whose fight for marriage equality set Massachusetts’ progressive wheels in motion--ended their relationship only two years after making it legal.
"The right wing had a field day with that," says Domenico. Indeed, the high-profile separation gave ammo to equal marriage critics, providing media fodder for Why Them Gays Can’t Handle Gettin’ Hitched. Domenico says that unfair pressure results when individual couples are asked to represent their entire community.
"There’s so much attention on them," says Domenico of same-sex unions. "There’s a sense that they have to be an even better married couple than a straight couple... that they should be held to a very high standard."
When it comes to marriage, there’s certainly nothing wrong with setting your sights high. A long, happy relationship... good (no, great) sex... perpetual marital bliss; who wouldn’t want all of the above?
Only three years after the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts, the first signs of gay divorce are rearing their head.
These are already unpleasant issues, but there is extra baggage that comes with gay divorce; as with marriage, gay splits are still in murky water. It’s not as simple as returning borrowed CD collections or deciding who gets to keep that overpriced Oriental rug you bought while vacationing in the Himalayas (note: it’s ugly, and smells like yak. Let him keep it).
With gay marriage still a new concept, there simply aren’t enough legal precedents to help navigate the winding road to Splitsville.
Hence the current conundrum of Margaret Chambers and Cassandra Ormiston; as widely reported over the last several months, this Rhode Island couple has been left in legal limbo and deemed unable to divorce because their marriage was Made in Massachusetts. It remains to be seen how Rhode Island will reconcile gay marriages performed out-of-state.
When a small matter of miles can make such a big (and costly) difference, it pays for gay couples to consider the implications of divorce before they take those final vows.
"I thought, ’I don’t want to spend all this money and go through this whole process, just to have it end in divorce,’" says Corey Phinney.
A resident of Quincy, Mass., Phinney first said ’I Do’ to his partner John in Vermont in 2001, shortly after that State became the first in the Nation to allow Civil Unions. Once Massachusetts followed suit with equal marriage, Corey and John filed for a license in the state where they reside.
"There’s a sense that they have to be an even better married couple than a straight couple... that they should be held to a very high standard." Yet, even though they’ve been together for a total of 9 years, the couple still moved slowly, cautiously, and thoughtfully into the uncharted territory of gay marriage.
"We didn’t jump into it," says Phinney. In fact, they waited until 2005--one year after Massachusetts’ adopted equal marriage--to take the plunge. "We didn’t do that whole thing where you got married immediately. We wanted to wait, and look at the statistics [on marriage and divorce rates]."
Though no official data yet exists for rates of gay divorce, Massachusetts typically has among the lowest overall divorce rates in the country; in an era of shotgun weddings and equally hasty break-ups, The Bay State boasts a high level of marriage stability. But even with love and luck on your side, issues of alimony, childcare and division of assets are thorny issues.
The practical and emotional concerns of divorce are not exclusive to gay couples. "Problems in romantic relationships are manifold and complex," says Dr. Edward Mendelowitz, a Boston psychotherapist who provides counseling to straight and gay couples. "Ultimately, we’re dealing with the complex nature of human relations in love, in whatever form that love may take."
However, gay couples may have a more difficult time finding useful resources and compassionate experts to help them save their relationship. "Certain people do experience bias," says Domenico. Many of his patients report negative interactions with divorce lawyers, couples counselors, and other authorities who are supposed to ease--not increase--the burdens of marital strife.
"They want to work with care providers and attorneys who are sensitive to gay and lesbian couples and aware of their unique issues," continues Domenico. "I hear repeatedly from individual clients, ’I don’t want to have to educate my own therapist about what it’s like to be gay.’"
While the Phinneys are happily married and have not had to consult with experts on divorce, Corey says that they nonetheless experienced some bias in throughout the legal experience.
"The woman we filed with [for a marriage license], was pretty hesitant about helping us," says Phinney. "She had a big Catholic cross around her neck, and when we asked to file for a marriage license, she thought we were kidding."
Ouch. What a way to set the mood.
"She was very standoffish at first," says Phinney. "Once we started talking to her, she sort of came around and was helpful in the end." But even still, resistance to their relationship continued. "When we were calling around to several places to plan the wedding, people were pretty hesitant on the phone. It became hard to get everything together."
In planning their function, Phinney says that they relied on gay DJs and other individuals that they "knew would be supportive" of their relationship.
Though the Phinneys have come out unscathed, Domenico says these are the very issues that bring wear and tear on a gay relationship. "Years of not having a relationship legitimized by institutions [can] create more of a toll on relationships than people realize," says Domenico.
He says even gay couples can forget that they’re dealing with issues heterosexuals don’t face. "They can get so used to it, they become numb to the impact that it really has."
Mendelowitz also believes that a couples’ relationship is partially shaped by their collective experience in the greater culture. "Relationship issues differ from culture to culture," he says. "The gay community does represent something of a subculture... so this can color the particular expressions and struggles of the relationship."
But if there’s one thing that can ease considerations of divorce among these modern relationships... it’s good, old-fashioned faith in a Happily Ever After.
"When I was younger, I never thought it would be possible," says Phinney. Nevermind naysayers, pardon the pundits, and divorce lawyers be damned; whatever tomorrow brings, he’s thrilled to enjoy today with the man he loves.
"Knowing that you’re with someone eternally," says Phinney. "That’s what makes it all worthwhile."
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