EDGE Boston

"It’s about time that Rhode Island became the second state in our nation to have legalized same-sex marriage. Not civil unions. Not domestic partnerships."

Those words, spoken by Katie Bennett, echoed the feelings of 70 or so people who gathered at the Statehouse in Providence April 5 to speak out for equal treatment of same-sex couples married elsewhere and others who want to marry in their home state.

The press conference was organized by Marriage Equality RI and featured eight of the many Rhode Island married same-sex couples as well as two members of other couples whose spouses could not attend.

Also there were Patricia Lynch-Gadaleta, the sister of Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch, and her spouse Margaret. The attorney general recently issued a legal opinion that state government agencies should respect same-sex marriages performed out-of-state and offer employees in those marriages the same benefits straight married employees receive.

"We took vows and we got married and then came home to Pawtucket," said Chris Butler, who married his partner of eight years, R. J. Rose, a month ago in Attleboro.

"We literally drove four miles from where we got married to our house. And as soon as we crossed that line, we were no longer married, at least in the eyes of the people in this building. That’s wrong."

Butler says that before he met Rose "I never gave much thought to getting married...but eight years ago, it became clear to me that someday might [happen]." He says that, although he didn’t think it was possible, he and Rose have grown closer since they married.

However, Butler also told a story illustrating the perils same-sex couples face in a state where their relationship is not legally recognized.

Two years ago, Rose had a medical emergency at work and was rushed to the emergency room. "As his emergency contact in his personnel file, they called me," said Butler.

"I ran down to Memorial Hospital and said ’I’m here to see R. J. Rose’, and the nurse looks up and says ’Who are you?’ I struggled with ’am I his lover, am I his partner,
am I his friend?’ I finally settled on ’partner.’ I explained that we were together in a relationship and I was his partner."

At that point, it struck Butler that the nurse could have refused to let him see Rose.

"Luckily, she didn’t, and she let me in. And luckily, He was okay. But we had the conversation later, ’what would have happened if he was unresponsive, if he wasn’t able to answer questions, or to consent?’ It would have been me trying to call his mother as his nearest relative to try to get to the emergency room to make those decisions, even though we’ve built a life together."

For Butler and Rose, as well as Rhode Island’s other married same-sex couples, a legal scene more like the Soviet Union plays out every day. To have just some of the rights of married heterosexuals during an emergency or worse, they have to carry powers of attorney, wills, and other legal documents with them at all times, even for "a ride to the corner store," in the words of MERI Director Jenn Steinfeld.

Discrimination hit home for Frank Ferri and Tony Carpaco when they had to get married in Canada. "Several of our straight friends have gotten married and had weddings in their backyard," Carpaco told EDGE. "We had to go to Canada. It was a very happy day, but it was bittersweet because we weren’t somewhere where we could have all of our family and friends with us."

For reasons like these, Steinfeld said that doing anything less than enacting equal marriage legislation "would be a step backward."

Other couples shared a lot of the same joys and concerns.

"Marsha and I met about 25 years ago, and we’ve been together 23 years," said Judith Anderson of her partner Marcia Blair. "Last May, we went to Canada to get married, because we finally could get married, at least somewhere. We didn’t think it would be an emotional experience, but we got really nervous the day of the wedding, even though we’d been together so long, it was a very emotional experience."

The couple returned to Rhode Island to find out it was now legal to marry in Massachusetts-"finally" said Anderson. "So in January we got married in Provincetown. I cried throughout the second ceremony. I was so moved by the opportunity to finally, publicly, get to be committed to Marcia."

"It hurts us not to be able to legally marry in our home state, where we’ve lived, and worked, and paid taxes for many years," Blair commented.

The couple has noted the annual legislative attempts to bestow civil unions on same-sex couples, but views it as a separate-but-equal line of thinking.

"While that [a civil union] strikes some as being a good alternative, we say no. That’s a step backwards. We’re married!" said Blair. "We deserve not only the benefits, and rights, and responsibilities of legal marriage, we deserve to be able to say, anywhere in this state, ’we’re married, here, in Rhode Island.’"

"Rhode Island has come really far in terms of treatment of its gay citizens. Over a decade ago, the legislature here passed a bill giving us equality in certain ways as everyone else. But now it’s time for them to take the next step and pass legalized same-sex marriage."

Cynthia and Jessie Lauderson have also been married more than once. "When we got married the second time," Cynthia starts to explain, then she clarifies that the couple originally had a civil union in Vermont. "When we got married in Massachusetts the first time in 2002, it was not yet legal for us to do so." The couple resided in Oregon at the time so Cynthia could go to law school.

"Massachusetts did not have legal marriage, and if they had, Oregon wouldn’t have recognized it anyway. We had been together for seven years. If we had been a heterosexual couple, people would have been asking us ’what have you been waiting for? It’s been seven years already!’"

Lauderson says that despite strongly supportive families, "There was no expectation that we would make a commitment to each other." The couple was surprised when they got engaged and didn’t encounter the positive reaction from family they thought they would get. "Our parents and grandparents had always accepted and supported us wholeheartedly but they didn’t understand why we needed a wedding, and why we needed to call ourselves a married couple-pretty much up until the moment when they walked into the church. That moment, when they saw us, they finally understood."

The two "were, and still very much are, in love" relates Lauderson. "We didn’t want to choose between love and marriage. We weren’t thinking about politics, or becoming activists, and we definitely weren’t, as some have said, trying to dismantle a historic institution. We were thinking about each other, and our own future. What is more difficult is that our state and community does not respect our union as a marriage."