EDGE Boston

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, it’s time to count up the best things for the upcoming holiday season. So, without further delay...

10. Being a Glutton

There’s no better excuse to pig out than Thanksgiving. The entire purpose of this holiday is to eat and then sit around until dessert is served. Then come the Ten Days of Leftovers.

After starving ourselves through all of spring and summer, we have the long winter to look forward to, complete with bulky jackets and turtlenecks, perfect for hiding our enlarging love handles. So eat up! That is of course, until next spring and summer when we realize we put on all the holiday weight again. This is the reason why everyone looks so good in L.A. No winter clothing.

9. Candied Yams

Of all the gluttony goodness, candied yams are the favorite at my Thanksgiving table. Every family has their own secret recepie, whether it’s the yams, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce or how to get a guaranteed table at L’Espalier. These traditions spawn fierce debates over who makes the best [insert food here] and who’s family thus gives thanks the most.

(Note: My mother cooks from the beginning of October, Thanksgiving being her favorite holiday.)

All that and I’m still only 125 pounds. See you in swimsuit season.

8. “Rent” movie Released

A unique movie release for this year, every Thanksgiving offers the beginning of the Christmas (a.k.a. Awards) season. And this year, nothing’s gayer than the long-awaited film version of “Rent” (Although Ang Lee’s “Brokeback Mountain” starring gay cowboys Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal does give “Rent” some competition).

With most of the original Broadway cast de-aging themselves for the film version, “Rent” sounds like the perfect reason to slip away for an afternoon matinee.

7. Football

I’ll probably sneak out once football begins. But I nevertheless feel compelled to put it on this list since, well, a large portion of the male population enjoys watching sweaty men in spandex pants jump all over each other.

And I’m skipping it.

Hell, even my dad (the Jewish dentist who practices his penmenship on stray napkins) watches football with the guys after eating.

6. Little Kids

Isn’t great to see all your little nephews and nieces and cousins and siblings all together. I’m just happy I’ve been promoted to the grown-up’s table. And children are what family’s about. Who cares about all the yelling and running around and wasting of the candied yams. And that I have to keep my door shut so my Captain America action figure doesn’t accidently lose his head. And how many times can they watch that same Dora the Explorer video, even cutting into my valueable Halo 2 time.

You know, this is starting to not sound so joyful.

5. Family and Friends

Having all the family and friends around is wonderful, but can’t they wait another month until Christmas when they’re expected to bring compensation for my inconvenience? When guests stay over, I can’t walk up the back stairs. I have to walk alllll the way around to the front stairs (this is my parents’ house, not my apartment). The holidays seem like an experiment to see how many people can ask you “When are you gonna settle down?” in a single evening. They ask this “Because we want to have Thanksgiving at your house next year.” Yeah, right. I ain’t doing all those dishes.

4. Your siblings, the Doctor and the Lawyer

And they just [choose all that apply – saved a life, bought a house, got married, had a child, made over $100k or baked a pie when you brought cheese and crackers because that’s what mother asked for].

3. Realizing you still haven’t lost last year’s holiday weight

If you’ve yet to break even from last year, just drink more booze. This helps deal with the family; it makes you forget the weight for the time being; and it lessens the assault from her:

2. Your mother telling you you still haven’t lost last year’s holday weight

See above, only times 10.

1. Looking forward to spending the entire holiday season bitter and alone.

There’s the rule to not break up between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, but that screws the rest of us who got dumped November 1st two years in a row.

Yes, I was dumped two years in a row, on November 1st, by different men named Mike. I’m also named Mike. I don’t plan on dating other Mikes.

Unless there’s one out there.
I don’t want to die alone.
Cause that’s what my mother says.
And then I drink.
And eat.
And it’s all a vicious cycle cause by these damn holidays.

Happy Holidays.