Fag Hags 101
The only thing gay men love more than other gay men? After the Prada shoe sale. After Broadway ticket twofers. After Bryan Singer made X-Men the gayest thing since Batman wore a rainbow costume. Now you’ve got it. It’s our women – our fag hags.
The term fag hag originated in the second part of the 20th century likely as gay culture and specifically gay clubs became more acceptable. Many of my fag hags express concerns of the insulting sound to the term. In truth, fag hag works as a double negative. ’Fag’ and ’hag’ individually are offensive, but put together, they become as positive as the product of two negative numbers. Translation: it’s as positive as you get. I think of it as a compliment.
Not every woman who wants your moisturizer earns the title of fag hag. The early acquaintances )usually met at parties being pursued by your heterosexual male friends) talk to you, of course. She may gain the introductory rank of “dahling,” (similar to darling, only said with a haughty European accent), but that’s it. Dahling can continue as a pet name, as when one graduates ranks, they can always play as something lower, not something higher.
“Gal pal” marks a woman of valued companionship who refuses to go to gay clubs and either won’t or doesn’t know how to shop. While these may seem shallow, the most important relationship-building-material comes from these situations. More trust can be gained from a girl telling you that sequins are never coming back, than eight Thanksgivings involving naked baby pictures.
What’s more, if your gal can’t be there to make sure that the guy you go home with is worth ’one-night-standing’ and still help you look for the love of your life, then she’s not committed. Gay clubbing is like the engagement ring of the fag hag fag relationship. Gal pals do, however, make for great coffee meetings, movie dates and study/work buddies. But without access to the boobies, you can’t move to the next level. (Do note that gal pal can be used as a non-confusing way of describing your relationship with that “girl friend who’s a friend who’s a girl.” She’s a gal pal.)
Finally, “fag hags” shape up and put out (i.e. you’ve touched if not seen her boobs). When helping her pick out an outfit, you relate preferences for her underwear from memory (third date, wear black of course). Fag hags are the highest of friendships filled with trust in not just taste in clothes and men, but in life and love. While gal pals have a vote on your love affairs, fag hags have veto power. They make being gay the fabulous lifestyle we all know and love.
So, boys and men, show your ladies how much you care. Without our fag hags, where would we be? We’d lose our therapists and shopping companions. We’d lose our Bette Midlers and Judy Garlands (I can live without Barbara and pre-Arrested Development Liza Minnelli). There would be no Dorothy for our Toto and no Nicole for our Tom. And as X-Men has shown us, even a magnetic mutant needs his blue skinned beauty to make the important things in life happen.
